Against all odds
by ouatcs
Summary: CS AU: Neal and Killian are siblings, best friends. Neal is happily dating Emma Swan, the beautiful orphan, while Killian is merrily dating his high school sweetheart, Milah. Fate has a weird sense of humor and decides to crumble Emma's and especially Killian's life. Years pass and a forbidden love grows, is it so wrong to move on?
1. Prologue: Kingdom come

**Prologue: Kingdom come**

**Complete Summary: Killian and Neal are siblings, fruits of the union of the rich businessman Robert Gold Jones and the famous author of 'Once Upon a Time' book series: Belle French. Gold blames his younger son, Killian, for the death of his love, the child's mother. But not only their father's hatred could stop Neal and Killian's relationship from growing; they are not only siblings, they are best friends. Neal is haply dating Emma Swan, the beautiful orphan, while Killian is merrily dating his high school sweetheart, Milah. Fate has a weird sense of humor and decides to crumble Emma's and especially Killian's life. Years pass and a forbidden love grows, is it so wrong to move on?**

**AN: This idea is stuck in my head for a while, I didn't want to start another multi chapter fic, but I couldn't resist it so here I am. This is a ****_Captain Swan_**** fanfic; it begins with Swan fire and Milah/Killian and although those pairings will be important to the story development this is essentially Captain Swan, with a great amount of Captain Fire.**

**Disclaimer: I make no claim of recognizable Once Upon a Time characters. The show belongs to ABC and its producers/show runners.**

* * *

Numb.

That's all Killian could feel in that moment, or couldn't feel. He wasn't sure he was feeling anything. It seemed like the sky came crashing down above him, but he couldn't feel any pain, he could feel nothing. He was empty.

* * *

_A few hours earlier_

_Killian and Emma had arrived at the beach house, they didn't have to work or study in that Friday so they decided to go to the Jones' family beach house earlier, in Killian's car, and clean the mess the house surely was and wait for Milah and Neal, since they both had classes and in the girl's case work and would head to the beach later with Neal's car. The two couples would spend one week at the place._

_They cleaned the mess reasonably fast and while Killian ordered pizza, Emma was showering. The pizza arrived soon after, they ate and decided to watch a movie; 'The Princess Bride' by lady's choice. _

_The movie was at the end and they were becoming concerned for Milah and Neal, they shouldn't take that long to arrive, but it was a hot weekend perhaps they were stuck in the traffic, somewhere where it didn't have cell phone sign apparently, since they tried to call them countless times with no success._

_Killian's phone rang but he was too far away and too sleepy to get it so he let a loud groan out, Emma noticed it and laughed. "C'mon, drunken sailor, go answer your phone," she said and he chuckled at her nickname for him._

_He got up and bowed. "As you wish, m'lady," he said and she just rolled her eyes, a small grin on her lips._

_Picking the phone up he could see Neal's name and photo, he pressed the answer button. "Where are you, loser? I've been trying to call you for the past two hours," he said lightly._

_However it wasn't his brother's voice on the other side of the line. "Sorry, sir, but I am talking from…" _

_Killian didn't let the voice, surely feminine but not Milah's, continue. "Where's Neal?" he tensed, thinking millions bad things about his brother. _

_"__Oh, so that's his name," she said and Killian prepared himself to beat the shit out of his brother, the lady sitting in the sofa didn't deserve to be cheated nor his girlfriend deserved to be waiting .Gods, where was Milah? _

_"__Sir, are you still there?" she asked._

_"__Who are you?" he asked in a rough tone of voice._

_"__You can call me Miss Bell; I'm a nurse at Storybrooke's hospital, this cell phone was found with a man's unconscious body without any document and we are trying to locate his family, there were various missing calls from your phone so…"_

_The air became too thin and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he just _couldn't_, but he had to; his older brother needed him and he would be there for him. _

_"__What hospital?" he said in a broken tone and soon after he felt Emma's presence behind him, her hand on his shoulder, massaging it._

_"__Storybrooke's hospital, Storybrooke, Maine," she said and he ended the phone call, without another word._

_"__What's wrong?" Emma asked, her voice was only a whisper but her eyes and posture tried to show him support. _

_He turned to her and looked at her green orbs, trying to find words. "Neal, he… he's in the hospital and, oh god, Milah, where's she?" he exploded, passing his hand on his hair._

_"__Killian, it's okay, we should…" she said trying to remain calm but failing miserably._

_"__No, it's not bloody okay, Emma," he shouted, getting rid of her hand on his shoulder and looking for the car keys, once he found it he stormed out of the room, not leaving time for her to do anything but follow him out of the house._

_They arrived at the hospital only one hour and a half later, Killian knew where the small town was located; it was Killian and Neal's home town, although they didn't live there anymore, (they moved away shortly after their mother's death) Killian remembered visiting the town with Neal, more specifically his mother's grave, so it wasn't hard for him to find the way. But he couldn't understand what his brother was doing in Storybrooke, Maine. They lived in New York and their house beach was in Portland (Maine), there was no reason why he would end up in Storybrooke but that was the last thing Killian should be thinking._

_During the whole drive Killian and Emma remained silent, he could see tears gathering at her eyes eventually, tears that she didn't let it fall, but he decided not to comment on it, he was too nervous, and he had to focus on driving, otherwise they would end up in an accident._

_They burst into the calm hospital room, and he soon saw a petite blonde woman, dressed in white, must be the nurse he thought and approached her. _

_"__Excuse me, miss, but I've been informed that my brother might be here, would you happen to know of a man, no documents, brown hair?" he said trying to sound calm, but his voice was far from calm, he said the words so quickly that the woman nearly didn't catch it._

_"__Oh yes, he's in surgery right now, I'm sorry but you can't see him," she said, looking apologetic. _

_He nodded, trying to process the whole thing. His brother, his mirror, his best friend was in a hospital room in surgery, he wanted to collapse but at least he was alive, that was a good thing, he would be fine, Killian thought. And then realized he had no idea what happened._

_The nurse was still looking at him, probably used to those situations and waiting for the shock to pass. Before he could say anything Emma asked. "What happened?"_

_The lady's expression tensed. "You two may wanna sit," she said and all Killian's optimism vanished. When both Emma and Killian made no movement to sit she went on. "He suffered a car accident, his car collided with a truck and it overturned, we are not sure what happened with him yet but it's certain that he hit his head in one of the car's frames, fracturing his brain."_

_Once the nurse finished talking he heard Emma's desperate yet silent cries and took the girl in his arms, hugging her tightly, murmuring some useless words of comfort, letting her cry, while letting some of his own tears fall. They didn't even realize the nurse leaving with an 'I'll give you guys a moment.'_

_When they finally separated Killian regained his senses. "Milah," he said brokenly. Emma looked at him and opened her mouth to say something but quickly closed it. "Stay here, love, I'll be back soon," he said, chasing after the blonde nurse._

_It didn't take him long to find her. "I don't know more, I'm sorry," she said once she saw him and he shook his head._

_"__No, listen, lass, in my brother's car, was there any more passengers? My girlfriend, Milah, she was with him, do you know where she is?" _

_The blonde's expression was unreadable; she took a big breath and opened her mouth to say something but regretted it. "Can you describe her for me?"_

_Killian resisted the urge to be rude and tell her if there were any other car accident patients in the small city's hospital but went straight to the point. "Black wavy hair, pale skin, greyish eyes."_

_The girl took a big breath once again and looked at him sympathetically. "She… she was found close to your brother's location, but when the help arrived she… she had already passed away, she was taken to the Forensic Medical Institute, you'll probably be called for body's recognition," she said in a sweet tone, not that it helped anyway, before he could do anything his legs gave up and he fell in the cold, harsh floor, crying like a newborn._

* * *

Killian Jones's whole world came crashing down on him. He wasn't sure what happened after the nurse told him the truth. He wasn't sure who he was, where he was, or what he was feeling. He just remained on the floor, sobbing, screaming, trying to make the emptiness go away.

He only regained a bit of his senses when he spotted blonde locks in front of him, kneeling at his side and then holding him, caressing his cheeks while wiping away his tears.

"Killian, hey, he's going to be fine, you're going to be fine," she said softly and he wanted to laugh at her face or to scream at her but he didn't. "You're going to be fine," she repeated and this time he laughed, cynically.

"I'm going to be fine?" he chuckled. "I lost my everything, my whole world! My brother is in a damn hospital room in the middle of a surgery and my girlfriend: the only other person who cared for me in this world is dead, _dead, _just like my mother," he said crying so hysterically he had to pause for a moment. "Why me, Emma? Why do I have to destroy everything I touch?" he said in between wrecked sobs.

"Look at me, Killian," she said but he refused to look at her, dropping his gaze at the floor and letting go of her embrace. She wasn't pleased with his movement. "Look at me! Dammit!" she said making him look at her. "You don't destroy everything you touch; never say something like that again. Your brother loves you unconditionally, and he _is_ going to be fine, besides they're not the only people who care about you. I care about you and I'm here. We'll go through this _together_. I know it's not fair, but that's how life works. I'm so very sorry for your loss but the only thing we can do is to face this and we will do it, _together_," she said and he looked at her in a way that it felt like the first time, and in between the storm of her green eyes he saw everything he needed, he saw _hope_, the tiniest little bit, but it was enough for him.

* * *

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, in silence, just holding each other, both crying noiselessly, trying to ease the pain inside of them. But their little moment was soon interrupted by the same blonde nurse from earlier saying that the sheriff was there and needed some personal details from both Neal and Milah, and of course he needed to confirm if the dead girl's body was indeed Milah's.

"Excuse me, my name is David Nolan, I'm the town's sheriff," he said, introducing himself, and gave Killian and Emma a moment to get up and recover equilibrium; they both got up and nodded at the officer.

Once Killian looked at the man he could swear he had already seen him before, he was really similar to someone he knew he just couldn't remember who. Emma, however, didn't seem to notice anything out of the normal.

They accompanied the sheriff into a more private room and answered all the questions, well Emma did, since Killian couldn't form many concrete words. When the sheriff asked, politely, if they could make recognition of the woman's body, Killian froze and endless silent tears fell from his eyes. Emma immediately reached for his hand, massaging it lightly, while keeping her attention at the sheriff.

"I'll go with you, sheriff, Killian you stay here and wait for news of Neal," she said promptly and Killian quickly dismissed the idea.

"No!" he said and looked at Emma. "Swan, I need to see her again, even if that's the last time, please don't take this chance away from me," she nodded.

"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked.

He hesitated a bit, pondering his options. He wanted to do this alone, to grieve alone, he didn't need anyone's pity, and she already had seen him in a vulnerable state. At the same time he knew he couldn't do this alone, despite his wishes, he wasn't that strong, they could do this together, just like she suggested, besides he knew she wouldn't judge him, she would only be there for him, supporting him.

"Yes," he answered simply.

* * *

They took Sheriff Nolan's car and arrived quickly at Storybrooke's Forensic Medical Institute, Killian paused and took a bit breath and only then he entered the place, Emma watched him the whole time and tried to make a brave face, encouraging him, but she wasn't sure he got the message, he was avoiding her looks.

Inside the building, the cop guided them to a small room, where was located a small gurney, with a covered body on it, on the side of it there was a man typing on a computer. He quickly got up from his place and nodded at the three of them. "Nolan, lady, gentleman," he offered them a smile. "I'm Dr. Whale, I believe you are here to recognize the girl's body, I'll take away the blanket and you have to tell me if you know this girl," tears started to fall from Killian's eyes and the doctor stopped his speaking. "When you're ready just let me know," he said calmly.

"Just take the bloody cloak already," he exploded and the doctor nodded, obeying him.

And there laid Milah, just as he remembered her, but dirtier and covered with bruises and blood. He secretly held a tiny bit of hope that it wouldn't be her, just another ordinary girl, it was selfish and he knew it but he couldn't help it. So seeing her, his Milah, his love lying lifeless in that bed was too much for him. He lost balance and went almost flying to where she was standing murmuring her name over and over again, crying quietly, admiring her one last time, saying his goodbye.

Only he wasn't ready to say goodbye, the doctor and the police man clearly got that the girl was indeed the one they thought it was and let him grieve but after a few moments the doctor said he needed to cover her up again, and Killian needed to let her go. He protested and screamed, still crying, in the verge of hyperventilating. Then Emma's hand came in contact with his shoulder, telling him to calm down, but he couldn't calm down, he couldn't breathe.

Couldn't they understand that he lost his whole life? He thought.

"Killian! Killian, look at me," Emma said but he wasn't listening to her, his brain didn't register her words, but she didn't give up, she kept looking at him, holding his face with her hands. "Breathe, just breathe," she said but he was already hyperventilating.

"Come back to me, Killian," she whispered and he finally recognized her. He looked at her and collapsed in her arms, still shaking and crying but out of his previous state.

* * *

Somehow they made it back to the hospital, with no words spoken.

Sheriff Nolan excused himself and left the hospital, leaving his condolences and support. Emma and Killian were sitting in one of the hospital's benches, the tears ceased from their eyes.

Killian believed he had nothing left inside of him to cry. He was still feeling nothing, numbness; it felt like there was something, no, everything, missing. He was lost, just lost, his life had no direction, no meaning. But he couldn't give up, not now; he had to hope and pray for his brother's life and he had also to be strong for the girl sitting next to him. The girl who despite her pain proved to be strong and was there for him, it was time to repay the favor.

* * *

**AN: So, that's the prologue. I sincerely hope you liked it! Please tell me what you think about it. Polite criticism/compliments/suggestions are always appreciated! Thank you for reading, till next time ;)**


	2. Chapter 1: Hope

**Chapter 1: Hope**

**AN: Thank you so much for all the follows/favorites and reviews (they make my day!). **

**Disclaimer: I make no claim of recognizable Once Upon a Time characters. The show belongs to ABC and its producers/show runners.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_Thirteen years earlier_

"_Daddy! This place is so nice! Why can't I come here more often? Maybe Neal could come here with us the next time! Seriously, dad, we could even live here, wow, that would be so nice! Please, daddy!" eight years old Killian asked his father while he was visiting the Happy Cottage Group Home, an orphanage that Pure Gold (the family's company) helped to maintain. _

_However the older man wasn't paying any attention to his youngest son, preferring to talk with Meredith, the woman responsible for the place. _

"_Daddy! Are you even listening to me? Daddy!" Killian said trying to catch his father's attention, but he knew it was in vain, his father only paid some attention to him when he was with his brother, Neal, that was in a school travel. "Dad!" he tried again, no results. "Father!" nothing. "Mr. Gold!" he said and finally got the man's attention, although his last name was Jones, he preferred to be referred as Mr. Gold due to his company's name._

"_What do you want, laddie?" he answered furiously. _

"_I was just saying that this place is really nice! Look at all those kids, wouldn't be awesome to live here?" the kid said enthusiastically._

_You wouldn't imagine how fun it really is, Gold thought. "Well, if it is so nice why don't you just go away, play with some of those… uh, lovely children."_

_A bit of the glow in the boy's eyes disappeared, he couldn't understand why his dad acted like that with him, he tried to make everything right, he always made his homework and his grades were awesome, some were even higher than Neal's ones. His babysitter, Ashley, always complimented him, telling him he was the perfect gentleman. Everyone seemed to like him, but he could never get the attention of his dad, in his father's eyes he was a little beast, a plague that he had to stay away from. And if Killian was the plague Neal was the cure, their father just idolized the other boy, giving him all the love and attention Killian craved._

_Due to that Neal became Killian's mirror, he wanted to act just like him, be just like him, and maybe one day, if he was good enough, similar to Neal enough, his father would love him too._

"_Bloody hell! Don't you look where you're going, asshat?" a petite, blonde girl asked him as he bumped into her, he was so distracted in his own thoughts he didn't even notice he was long gone from his father, in one of the many dorms that the place had._

"_That's bad form, how old are you? You shouldn't say things like that!" he argued._

"_Oh, so you trampling me is good form?" she asked, rolling her eyes._

"_Apologies, m'lady," he said and she rolled her eyes again._

"_Who are you? Are you some British lord?"_

"_The name's Killian Jones, what's yours?" he asked, genuinely interested in the girl._

"_Emma. Emma Swan," she said, side eyeing him. "Are you new here?"_

"_Oh no, I don't live here, I'm just visiting with my dad, although it would be super nice to live here."_

_Emma eyed him carefully; she couldn't believe a kid would like to live in a place like that. "Are you insane? Who the hell would want to live here?"_

"_Why not? I'd have all those kids that I could play with! Besides Miss Meredith seems like an angel!" he said innocently._

"_An angel? More like a demon just like the other kids, they don't like me, or anyone really, they are all idiots."_

"_Didn't your parents teach you manners?" he said, smirking at the girl, despite her rough ways he was creating a fondness for her._

"_If I had parents, maybe they would have taught me," she said, embracing herself, focusing her eyes on the ground._

"_Oh, I see," he answered simply. "So that's why it has so many kids here! You don't have parents? Just like the lost boys?"_

"_No, we don't have a family, not everyone has a perfect life like you, rich kid," she answered bitterly._

"_It's okay, you know? I don't have a mama, too, and my papa, well, he doesn't really like me."_

"_You, you don't?" she asked in a small voice._

"_No, and my daddy and Neal refuse to tell me about it!" he said childishly._

_She wondered for a bit, analyzing this Killian Jones, he looked like a nice kid, a bit naïve and foolish perhaps, but she was starting to like him. Besides she found him a kindred spirit, when she looked at his eyes she saw what she did every time she looked at the mirror, they had the same look in their eyes, the look of a lost boy and a lost girl. "Neal?" she commented, choosing to avoid the subject of his mother's absence in his life._

"_My brother, Neal, he's all I really have," he answered, his eyes shining while talking about his older sibling._

"_Lucky you, at least you have someone," she whispered to herself, thinking he wouldn't hear._

_But he did, he heard her. "You don't have to be alone, you could have me, we could be friends!" he said enthusiastically. "And Neal, I'm sure he would like you!" _

_The idea seemed very interesting to little Emma. At the age of seven she already had suffered enough, she was used to being alone; it was what she was good at. However, having someone, it was all she craved; she didn't want to be alone anymore. Of course, wanting something didn't mean having it. He would leave soon and never see her again, he would leave her like everyone did, like her biological parents, like her first family, the Swans, and she would be alone again. _

_Well, at least she would enjoy his company for today she decided finally. "So, Killian, do you want…" she started to say, but was interrupted by his animated cry._

"_Emma! I can't believe this! Where did you get this book?" he asked, moving to grab the book that was lying on the bed._

"_Give it back!" she screamed. The book in question, 'Once Upon a Time', was one of the only things she had, and she cherished and protected it with her life. She got the book from the Swans, her foster mother used to read the different versions of fairy tales to her before going to bed; it was her favorite moment of the day. So when she was sent back to the orphanage it was the only thing she managed to get with her, and the book became a reminder, but not a painful one, a reminder to have hope._

"_It's my mom's book!" _

"_What?" she asked confused. Could he possibly be the child that her previous family had and made them send her away? No, he was older than her, that much was clear; he couldn't be the same child._

"_My mama wrote this book. It's one of the only things I know about her," he said, flipping through the pages._

_Emma was caught by surprise. "She did?"_

"_Yeah, it's my favorite book! My babysitter always reads it to me, it makes me feel closer to my mom, wherever she is, and also make me hope, hope for a better future," he said, staring at her eyes. "Do you like it, too?"_

"_I… I love it, it makes me hope, too, it gives me strength and makes me have faith that one day all the pain will end, that one day I'll have people that want me in their lives," she confessed, without meaning to, she usually didn't like to talk with other kids, she always kept everything to herself, but with Killian everything was easier. _

_He smiled at her, sympathetically. "I know, Emma, and that's all we can do, after all, happy endings always start with hope," he said and she smiled, recognizing the quote from the book._

"_Now, what do you say about going to the playground? I bet you can't even climb the first step of the slide's staircase!"_

* * *

Emma almost couldn't believe the turn her life had suffered in the past hours. One moment she was with Killian enjoying the beach house and the other she was in a damn hospital waiting room while her boyfriend was having surgery, the thought made her sick to the stomach, well everything was making her sick to the stomach these days, but she decided to ignore it.

Killian was sound sleep in the chair beside her, after some more crying and comforting words he finally fell asleep and Emma was going to make sure nothing woke him up, at least while he was sleeping he had a little peace, he had lost his whole world that day, she knew him since they were kids, she knew the depths of his love for his brother. Killian's love for him was nothing compared to Emma's feelings for him, after all they were only dating for a few months, and contrary to Killian, they haven't known each other since childhood. Not counting the love he had for Milah, he would do anything for her, he just adored the girl. And now she was dead, never to come back. She couldn't even imagine the pain he was in, but she knew one thing: she was going to be there for him, no matter what, they would go through this together, that's what friends are for.

"Milah! Neal, don't! No, no!" she heard his cries.

"Killian, hey, it was just a bad dream," she said, caressing his forehead, wiping the sweat away, trying to sound convincing.

He still seemed a bit groggy and after some moments he fell in the reality. "It wasn't just a bad dream," he murmured, and before Emma could say something he spoke again. "Is the surgery already over?"

"Nope, you've been asleep for half an hour at most," she answered truthfully.

"How are you?" he asked, and she chuckled. Despite being in so much pain he still had the consideration to ask her how she was feeling, that was something Emma admired in Killian, the way he was so strong and compassionate, the way he cared so fiercely for others and didn't expect anything in return.

"I'm fine, I guess, or not really, I don't know, I… How are _you_?" she asked, concerned for her friend.

He didn't even bother to look at her since the moment he woke and he still wasn't looking at her, preferring to put his attention on the ground. "I… I've been better."

She smiled to him, showing her support. "Killian, just know that what I said earlier, I meant it, we'll go through this together, okay? I'm here for you," _just like you are always there for me_; she thought but didn't say it.

He smiled and grabbed her hand, making small circles. "Thank you, Emma, I'm here for you, too."

"I know," she answered simply. "Why don't you try going back to sleep?" she asked him.

"Not sleepy."

She sighed and nodded. "Do you want something to eat? I'm gonna see if I grab some doughnuts for me to eat, want some?"

"Not hungry."

"Fine, zombie, I'll be back soon," she said and went to the hospital's cantina.

She bought two chocolate doughnuts and one vanilla doughnut, she usually wasn't that much into sweets, but once she saw it she couldn't resist it, so she bought three of them.

After buying the sweets she went back to the waiting room, back to find a devastated Killian. "Don't do that to yourself," she said, scaring him, since he was concentrated in his thoughts.

"What?" he asked innocently, making her remember of the little blue eyed boy she met so long ago.

"When my first foster family sent me back, when they had their own kid, all I could do was relive that moment, over and over again, all I could do was remember the way my _daddy_ didn't even bother to look at me, the way my _mommy _left me in that place, without a goodbye or her warm hug that I always loved, without properly look at me. Don't do that to yourself. All we can do in times like these, it's try to live in the here and now."

"Here and now? How? Emma, before when I first heard about it I didn't feel a thing, I felt numb, an emptiness but now, now I'm feeling stuff, and it hurts so much, I don't know what to do," he lamented.

"Look, it sucks! Dammit, I know it sucks! But we have to move on, we have to keep going. What do you think Milah would have wanted for you? And Neal? We have to keep living, there will be good moments and bad moments but we have to go on, even if it's not easy, we need to keep going," she said determinately, in the verge of tears.

Killian didn't answer her, just nodded and lowered his head. So she sat at his side, an awkward silence falling between them.

"I'm sorry, lass, I just…" he began but she interrupted him.

"It's fine, really, I understand," she said and grabbed the bag with the doughnuts, that was in the other chair beside her. "Want some?" she tried again.

"Nope," he answered simply and she shrugged, moving to eat the vanilla sweet.

Once she put the sugared thing near her mouth her stomach protested, twisting in endless waves and she felt like she was going to throw up. "Killian, I…" she said, but regretted, covering her mouth.

"Love, are you okay?" he asked concerned, moving to get the doughnut out of her hand, and help her.

Suddenly all the sickness passed away and she breathed relieved. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, just a bit dizzy, it will pass, don't worry," she reassured him.

That made her a little suspicious, she usually had a tough stomach, being a foster child you never know what you're gonna eat, she was never one to vomit easily, she couldn't understand her sudden sickness.

_Must be all the stress_, she decided finally.

"Are you sure, Emma?" Killian said, still concerned.

"Yep, but I don't think doughnuts it's a good idea now."

"Okay," he answered simply and another silence fell between them, but this time it wasn't awkward, it was comforting.

Emma was starting to become very nervous, patience wasn't one of her fortes. She couldn't wait any longer, she wanted to know how her boyfriend was, she had to admit that she was scared as hell, she couldn't say she loved him, they had been dating for only four months, and they have known each other for over a year or so, she couldn't say she loved him, but she could say that she cared for him, a great deal, he was charismatic and kind, and she was enjoying their relationship, but of course, nothing good lasts long on Emma's life, it seemed like a curse, a destiny, she was destined to be unhappy.

"Do you think… that they, uh, called Milah's parents?" Killian asked, breaking her line of thought.

"I… I don't know, Killian, maybe, do you want me to go see this situation? I could go and talk to Sheriff Nolan," she offered.

"Not now, Neal could be out of that bloody surgery any moment, we'll go after that later," he said, and she nodded, agreeing with him.

Out of the blue, Killian took a big breath and took Emma's hand in his, looking at her eyes. "Do you remember the day we met, Emma?"

She laughed at that. "Of course."

"Do you remember my mom's book?"

"Still my favorite," she answered.

"Yeah, still mine, too," he sighed. "Do you remember what we told each other? To have hope? Hope for a better future?" he said, and she nodded. "How can we have hope in times like this? How can we hope, when the pain it's too much, the storm too wild?"

"That's exactly the reason why we should hope, Killian, anything can happen if you just hold onto hope."

Hope.

A funny word she believed, a word made to keep you going, to believe that someday things would get better, someday the pain would end and the storm would cease, transforming into a beautiful rainbow. It was pretty poetic and beautiful in theory, but in real life, things weren't that easy, she knew, it was hard, painful and despairing but one moment without hope, one second without the prospect of things getting better would make you go mad, make the storm swallow you, that's why she held onto it, that's why she read that book so many times, to remind herself never to lose hope.

Killian smiled at her sadly but agreed with her. "What would I do without you in my life, Emma?" he asked but she never got the chance to answer.

"You!" a strangely familiar voice shouted, furiously. "You did this!" the voice said and Emma recognized it, it was Mr. Gold's voice, Killian and Neal's dad.

"Father," Killian whispered brokenly, turning his attention to the man that was entering the room, all of his hope disappearing little by little.

* * *

**AN: I'll try to shift POVs, one chapter in Emma's POV and the next in Killian's and so on, what do you think about it? The flashback is not Emma's POV, but I'll try to make flashbacks a bit impartial. Also what do you think about having flashbacks in the chapters? And I know Gold seems a bit OOC but the reason why he acts like that with Killian will be revealed, maybe even next chapter. Anyway, I hope you liked it, drop a review if you please, I love hearing your thoughts about it! See you soon :)**


	3. Chapter 2: Unforgettable storms

**Chapter 2: Unforgettable storms.**

**AN: I'm so beyond grateful for the response this fic has gotten! Thank you all so much! Huge thanks to everyone that follows/favorites it and a special thank you for those who reviewed! I dropped an easter egg on this chapter, can you find it? **

**[**_WARNING, CHAPTER SPOILERS__**] **_**this chapter is a very emotional one and it contains a character's death, so be warned!**

**Disclaimer: I make no claim of recognizable Once Upon a Time characters. The show belongs to ABC and its producers/show runners.**

**Enjoy the pain!**

* * *

_Twenty years earlier_

_After a particular tiresome week at the company and back and forth trips to New York, Gold decided to take some days off and enjoy his Storybrooke's house, his home, alongside with his family: his wife Belle, his 5 years old son, Neal, and Killian, his youngest son, only one year old. His boat was prepared for him to take his family sailing, it was one of Neal's favorite hobbies and baby Killian already loved it too. _

'_The Jolly Roger,' the boat's name, was quite far away from the docks and Gold took the opportunity to anchor the ship and appreciate the day with his family._

"_C'mon, Robert, the boat will be just fine, I already seated the picnic stuff," Belle said, while shaking her younger son in her arms, lullabying him to sleep._

"_Yes, my love," he answered, coming to sit at her side, opposite of Neal, and embracing half of her body, looking lovingly at the baby on her arms. _

"_He's so beautiful, Belle, thank you so much, for all the love you gave me, for this wonderful family, our family," he said affectionately. "I'll never know what you saw in me, dear, but I'm eternally grateful you did, I'll never forget the difference between what I was and who I am," he vowed getting closer to her and dropping a kiss on her hair._

"_I love you, always and forever, no matter what happens, I'll always love and protect you," she said, just as sweetly._

_Before he could return the three loving words, Neal spoke up. "Mama, is there more of the orange juice?'' he asked; his face dirt of orange juice and the remains of what once was a sandwich._

"_I'll grab some more for you, honey," she said, leaving her sound asleep baby son on his daddy's lap. "And a napkin," she said when she noticed her son's face and laughed, Gold could swear it was one of the prettiest sounds he ever heard._

"_Hello there, Killian," Gold said to the infant once Belle and Neal were gone, a huge smile on his face. "I don't want to wake you up, your mother would kill me, just know that papa loves you, okay?" he said, affectionately. "So much, my boy, never forget that," he said, slowly caressing his forehead._

"_Everything alright?" Belle asked coming to sit on her previous spot, this time Neal was on her lap. _

"_Perfect," he answered, still looking at the young boy. _

"_Papa, can I hold him?" Neal asked enthusiastically, his parents usually didn't let him hold his brother since he was too young, but he loved to, he loved his brother, he couldn't wait for him to be old enough to play with him._

_Gold looked at Belle for permission and once she nodded he let the baby in his brother's caring arms. Neal was delighted to carry his brother, taking all care in the world not to wake or to hurt the little child. _

"_Robert, do you…" Belle said and got interrupted by her older son. _

"_Shh, mama, you're gonna wake Killian up!" he whispered._

"_Okay, okay, sorry," she whispered back._

_After some comfortable silence, Belle realized that not only her youngest son was sleeping; Neal was also sound asleep on her lap. _

"_Help me get them to the bed down below," she whispered to Gold who was gently laying his head on her shoulder. _

"_I'll take Killian, can you carry Neal?" he asked, Killian's weight was nothing compared to Neal's._

"_Yes, go ahead," she said and he took the younger one from his brother's lap, gently fitting him in his arms, taking him to the room that the boat possessed._

_The two boys were placed side by side both sleeping like a log and as Belle finished putting them to sleep, dropping a kiss on both of the their foreheads, Gold couldn't help it but feel completely overjoyed._

_As a child, his mother left him at a young age in his father's (a drunken poor man) care, so he couldn't help but be a little pessimistic, he never thought that he would have that: a home, a family and yet there he was, so many years after, happily married to the love of his life, his true love that blessed him with two wonderful sons. He must have been the happiest man alive in that moment._

"_Hey," Belle said as she dragged them both out of the room, supporting her hands on his chest, kissing all over his face, but not kissing his lips._

"_You surely know how to tempt a man," he said, laughing. _

"_Oh, I don't know, do I?" she asked, innocently, continuing to kiss him. _

"_Yes, you do," he said. "I love you, Belle," he said so honestly that made her knees go weak._

"_I love you, too," she said and surrendered, finally kissing him on the lips._

_They stayed like that, just murmuring their love for each other and eventually kissing and touching, they were so lost in each other they didn't even realize the time passing, nor the fact that the boat wasn't just normally swinging, the swing was getting stronger and more intense each passing second. "We'll have to leave, it's getting late," he said eventually._

"_I don't want to," she said, childishly and went to kiss him again. Just when their lips were about to touch, the boat swung so abruptly that they almost fell on the ground. The movement woke the boys up. "Mama! Papa!" they heard Neal's screams and Killian's baby cries._

"_Go see what's up there, I'll go see the kids," Belle said, already running to help her children._

"_Hey, sweethearts, it's okay, mommy's here," she said, jumping on the bed, hugging them both. Despite her caring words the boys cries didn't cease, if only it got worse due to the boat's swing and the thunder noises._

"_Ma...ma," Killian said in between cries. _

"_It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, honey," she kept murmuring to both of the boys, who kept crying._

_She heard a big noise, the sound of something breaking and falling, that sounded to be coming from the deck and got concerned. "Robert!" she screamed, mostly to herself. "Robert!" she tried again, this time looking up to see if he could listen and answer. "Robert, please!' she cried but got no response. "Robert!" she said, louder this time and again no results._

"_Neal, look at mommy," she said, one of her hands caressing his face. "I need you to be a good boy and stay here taking care of Killian, alright?" she said and the boy shook his head in negative. _

"_No, mama! Please, I'm scared, I don't want to lose you," he cried and she smiled sadly at him. _

"_Listen to me, Neal, you're never gonna lose me, okay? Never, you'll always have me, even if only inside of your heart," she said and he cried even more. "But now I need you to be strong, mommy will be back soon, don't worry, honey," she said, trying to bring him some comfort. "I believe in you, sweetie, you can do this," she said, and dropped a kiss on his forehead, putting Killian on his lap, kissing the baby's salty with tears cheek. "I love you both," she said before leaving to search Gold._

"_Robert!" she screamed once she emerged on deck, but the storm was too wild, the water too agitated, making her lose balance. "Can you hear me?" she tried again, her voice full of concern. _

"_Belle!" she heard a muffled scream and went to search in the voice's direction, but while she was following the sound she heard another voice._

"_Mama!" the voice said, it was Neal's. He was standing a few feet away from her, a crying Killian on his lap, she could see the boy was struggling to keep the baby from falling but was managing so far. _

"_Neal! Go back inside, now!" she tried to tell him. _

"_What? Mommy! Where are you? Where's daddy?" he said but Belle couldn't quite hear him, just a slight noise that she decided to follow in the hope of protecting her sons._

_Suddenly a strong wave hit the boat, covering her with water till her knees after it passed. "No!" she screamed, panicked._

"_Neal! Killian! Robert!" she screamed desperately. _

"_Belle! Belle, I got Neal, where's Killian?" she heard her husband scream and felt a bit relieved, only a bit since Killian was still missing._

_She looked everywhere for Killian, her head making almost a full circle. "Killian! Killian, my baby!" she cried. _

"_Mama!" she heard what looked like to be Killian's voice, she searched everywhere on the deck for him again but got no results. She looked at the water and finally found her beloved boy; he had fallen away from the boat. He was standing in the water, shaking his tiny arms to try to stay up, close to where Robert and Neal were standing on the boat._

"_Robert!" she shouted. "There he is, look down! You have to jump, let go of Neal, I'll catch him and get a rope for you!" she said, getting closer of them._

"_I… I can't, Belle," he said, hugging his older son closer to his body. _

"_Robert, fast!" _

"_No, Belle, I can't ," he said, terrified. Seeing that he wouldn't jump Belle made a quick decision and jumped after her son. "Belle, no!" he screamed, but went to get a rope, a hard task while holding Neal, but after some effort he managed to get it, __dropping Neal at the ground to focus his strength on getting his wife and son on deck._

"_The rope!" Belle screamed, using all of her strength to find her missing son. She found him rather quickly and took the boy on her arms, the boy who was almost unconscious. "Stay with me, Killian, stay with mommy," she said and saw a brown wire, must be the rope, she thought and went to grab it, she managed to tie the rope around her body, holding Killian extremely close to her. "Up!" she screamed, already breathing with some difficulty, but she knew she had to do this, her son needed her._

"_Belle, Killian, thank god," Robert said, as they were approaching the boat's deck. _

"_Take Killian first," she said, while she saw that Gold wouldn't be able to take them both on deck, his arms were almost giving up._

"_But what about the rope? You're gonna fall!" he said, holding the rope as if his life depended on it and somehow it did._

"_Take Killian!" she screamed once again, this time seeing how the rope was starting to cede._

"_Belle!" he squealed as the rope began to really cede and she smiled sadly at him. _

"_Take Killian! Now!" she yelled and he obeyed her, but reluctantly so, he tried to hold the rope with one hand and take the baby with the other. Somehow he managed to actually get the baby one-handed, handing him quickly to Neal who was just by his side the whole time, crying silently, waiting to do something to help._

_Just as he handed the boy to Neal, the rope gave up and Belle fell on the storming sea murmuring her last words._

"_I love you," she said to all of them, to her family, her precious loved ones._

"_Belle! No, no, Belle!" he screamed just at the same time that Neal also shouted. "Mama! Mama!" the boy called his mother one final time. Just as she fell in the ocean a strong pain hit both Robert's and Neal's hearts, breaking two, well three, hearts at the same time._

_The older man got Neal on his lap, letting his tears get mixed with his son's ones, but didn't even bother to look at the baby lying on his brother's lap, it was too painful, too grievous. From that moment, while waiting for the help to arrive, Gold knew he would never be able to look at Killian the same way again._

* * *

"_**You!"**__ a strangely familiar voice shouted, furiously. "You did this!" the voice said and Emma recognized it, it was Mr. Gold's voice, Killian and Neal's dad._

"_Father," Killian whispered brokenly, turning his attention to the man that was entering the room, all of his hope disappearing little by __**little.**_

"You HAD to do this again! You had to destroy everything I love, don't you?" his father asked, furiously. "Wasn't killing your mother enough for you?"

Killian sighed, feeling the self-loathing hit him, full force. He never knew the technicalities of his mother's death, the only people who knew the story were Gold and Neal and while the first never mentioned this matter to anyone, the latter always changed the subject when he asked or gave him vague answers, telling him she died a heroine and that she loved them very much. But he did know that he had something to do with his mother's death, something he had done ended up pretty badly and he couldn't help but feel guilty.

"Answer me, lad" Gold jumped at Killian, his cane making contact with his neck.

"Mr. Gold, Mr. Gold! Stop!" Emma shouted, trying to prevent the man from doing something to harm Killian not that made any difference.

"And would I listen to a street rat like you because…?" he retorted, his voice full of venom. "I'd stay out of this if I were you," he suggested, making the friction of the cane in Killian's neck even harder, pushing him to the wall near, he could see how his words tormented Emma.

"Father, stop," Killian said breathlessly.

"Mr. Gold, I'll have to call the cops, release him, now," she ordered.

"I don't think so," he argued. "This bastard it's gonna tell me how he managed to kill his brother!"

"Neal is not dead!" she screamed. "Stop, so you two can talk like normal people!" she tried once again.

"I suggest you to leave, Miss Swan."

"No, stop that," she said and went to his side, trying to get him off Killian. "Is this what your wife would like you to do? What would Belle want you to do?" she tried to make him see his senses and this time she succeeded it, at his wife's name he let go of Killian.

"Are you okay?" Emma asked, concerned for her friend, coming by his side and gently touching his shoulder. He still was breathing with difficulty but nodded at the girl.

"This won't stay like this," Robert vowed and Killian got to properly look at him, at his eyes, steeping beside Emma so he could be closer to his father and there in his eyes he found all the hate and reaction that his father felt for him. "What happened?" Gold managed to cordially ask.

"He suffered a car accident," Emma answered for Killian and he was glad that she did, he wasn't particularly interested in facing his father in that moment, he had to at least normalize his breathing first.

Gold rolled his eyes and sighed. "I gathered that much from the hospital's phone call, how did that happen?"

"That's basically all we know, he's in surgery now," Killian added and Gold felt his blood boil, it was visible to everyone in the room that the older man was completely mad with anger.

"I should have known, I shouldn't have let him come here this time of the year," he murmured to himself and Killian frowned.

"What are you talking about?" he asked confused.

The businessman laughed humorlessly. "Today, thirty first of July, remind you of something, dear son?" she asked, his two last words were delivered with such irony and disgust it made Killian sick.

"No?" Killian said sarcastically.

"That's the day of your mother's death; it's been twenty years today since her death!" he exploded. "Did you wonder what Neal was doing here on Storybrooke? He was visiting his mother's grave!"

Killian was shocked, his brother didn't comment anything with him, he remembered visiting her grave a few times in Storybrooke but couldn't remember the date, no one ever told him his mother's day of death.

"He didn't comment anything, did he?" Gold chuckled.

Killian wondered what else was there to know about this story. "No," he said simply and his father could see the curiosity in his eyes.

"You want to know, don't you? You've been bothering me my whole life, asking me what happened to _'mommy'" _he said mimicking a child's voice. "That's what you wanted, uh, dearie? So be warned that's what you'll get!" he raised his tone of voice.

"Tell me then," he said his tone of voice louder than usual. He was dying inside to know this story; he almost couldn't believe he'd finally hear it.

"Oh, I will but I warn you this won't be pretty, it's a rather private, _family_ matter," he said, eyeing Emma, which was standing there the whole time, just behind him, just _there_ for him. Killian quickly got the message; he wanted Emma to leave in order to tell the history.

"Emma, can you leave us alone, please?" He asked her kindly.

He wasn't sure he wanted her to leave. Somehow he felt stronger in her presence and he would really need to be strong now, but he knew his father wasn't inclined to tell him the truth on her presence.

"Are you sure?" She asked, connecting their eyes, judging for her body language she didn't want to go either.

"Yes, love" he confirmed and she nodded reluctantly, giving him a small smile and a slight caress in his shoulder before leaving, earning a disgusted snort from Gold. Just as she left, he started to tell the history.

"We were on our boat, yours now, your beloved Jolly Roger," he began and paused for a bit, squeezing his cane, his knuckles turning white. "We were so happy, I was so happy, but then a storm approached, a freaking damnation, I tried to outrun it, but I couldn't, the storm was too strong, your mother, she... she tried to help me, but she had to leave you and Neal alone," he said and took a deep breath, pausing for far longer than necessary, making Killian more and more nervous each passing second.

"Go on," Killian said in a light tone of voice, trying to ease the tension.

He sighed and looked deeply at Killian's blue eyes, just like his mother's ones. He could feel the pain and torment in his father's eyes just as he connected his brow pearls on his blue ones.

"You were too young, you couldn't keep up, you fell in the ocean so your mother jumped after you, but she wasn't strong enough to bring you both on board so she..., she gave her life for you," he said leaving a lot of details off, especially the fact that he was a coward and couldn't jump after his son.

"She... She did?" Killian asked in a small voice, tears already gathering in his eyes.

He almost couldn't believe what was happening, from the little he knew about his mother's death he knew he had something to do with it, but hearing the story was a whole other thing: he was really the one to blame for his mother's death. Had he hadn't fell, had he been stronger his mother would still be with them, still alive, he was the only one to blame.

"Yes," Gold whispered. "She loved you so much; she would have gone to the end of the world for you, that's the reason why she's dead," he said and a part of Killian hoped that he would say it wasn't his fault, it was fate's, destiny's or whatever the crap you wanted to call but what he heard wasn't anything like that. "You, that's the reason she's dead! You killed her!" he shouted, his voice was angry and resentful.

"I… I did?" he said, not a question but not an affirmation either. The tears gathered in his eyes were now falling freely; he had to bite his lip to suppress a sob.

"No! No, you didn't!" Gold exploded and she looked at the man confused, he couldn't understand it, he _did_ it, he was the reason his mother was dead, why would he say he wasn't? Perhaps the old man had really gone mad. "I did!" he went on, making his son even more puzzled.

"What? I did, you just said it was me, she jumped after _me, I am_ the reason she's gone."

"No, it's not your damn fault, Killian! It's mine! She's dead because of me, because I was a coward! She asked me to jump after you but I was, still am, too much of a coward to do that, so I didn't and she, gods, she jumped after you, she saved you!" he busted out.

Killian's world started to spin; it was too much information, just too much. He couldn't exactly blame his father, maybe if he had jumped after him _he_ would be the one not to survive, and Killian would be the one to blame all the same. "I bloody fell, I…"

"You were a baby!" Gold cut him off and Killian felt a bit numb, if his father didn't blame him, even if he was clearly the one to blame, why did he loathe him during his whole life?

"Then why?" he whispered brokenly.

"Why what?"

"Why did you always hate me? My whole life, you barely looked me, you didn't touch me, treated me as if I was a poison!" Killian said, letting twenty years of pain came out.

"Because, Killian, every time I looked at you I saw your mother falling, I saw death and pain and misery, I had to put the blame on someone else's shoulders, I had to put my walls up, and rejecting you was the best way of doing that!"

"Do you think that makes it okay?" he shouted, clearly hurt, his father had shut him out, treated him poorly his whole life for a selfish wish to protect himself.

"No, it doesn't! But this is just who I am, Killian, a coward, a broken man, I'm sorry," he lamented, letting his huge walls down, reveling his true side. "You deserve better, you really do, son," he said with so much tenderness and love that it made Killian's heart swell. That was it, what he always had craved; his father's love. "I'm sorry but I'll never be good enough for you, Killian, you really deserve better."

"Father, you… you…" Killian struggled with the words, trying to find a way to put his feelings. Even after all those years, after everything that man made him through he couldn't help but want to give him another chance, a chance to start again and maybe try to have a plausible father and son relationship, after all that, Killian still craved his father's affections.

"I don't ever want to look at you again," Gold said, his walls up, he had put the mask on once again, leaving Killian very confused, he couldn't believe what was happening, his father had just started to open up to him, to trust him and let him only to shut down behind his walls again.

"Papa? I… I don't understand," he said, a deep frown on his forehead.

"You heard me well, boy, I don't want to see you ever again, it's too painful, for you, for me, you understand that, don't you?"

"No, it doesn't make sense," Killian said, still frowning.

"I want all of your keys on my office by tomorrow's morning, from the beach house, your apartment with Neal, your car's one, I want all of them, drop it with my secretary," he demanded.

"What's this, Gold?" he said roughly.

"You won and lost me today, Killian, don't forget that."

"What? Have you gone completely mad? What's..." before he could finish his sentence Emma interrupted them, entering the room.

"Neal's surgery ended a couple of hours ago, we can see him now," she said and he took a big breath, he wished he had known his brother was out of that state sooner but he wouldn't be able to do anything, maybe it was better that way. Regardless, Killian marched towards the room after Emma who was leading the way. He wasn't even caring for his and his father's discussion or if the man was following them to the room, that didn't matter on that moment. Everything in the world could wait; his brother was the top priority on his mind. A wave of relief finally hit over him; finally some good news after a storm of bad ones.

* * *

**AN: That was pretty painful, I know, sorry, but I'm not that evil, am I? And not really much captain swan scenes too, sorry again but this chapter was extremely necessary, and next chapter will hopefully have a lot of cs scenes and angst (okay, maybe I'm a bit evil) Well, I really hope you liked it! Please tell me your thoughts about it, I'm still overwhelmed by the reaction this fic has gotten and all the amazing reviews from last chapter! Also, did you find the easter egg? Let me know if you did! Drop a review if you may, thank you for reading! Until next time :)**

**Ps: I'm super, super sleepy I probably missed a lot of mistakes while revising, I'm sorry about that, I'll check it again tomorrow ;)**

**[**_ANSWER TO GUEST REVIEWERS, IT COTAINS SPOILERS_**]**

**Guest (Emma's pregnancy, meh, you have enough drama now, don't push more.)**

**This was planned all along since I first started this fanfiction. It will be the main drama of the history, that's the way I wanted it to be. And actually the very first idea from this fanfic was pregnant!Emma craving cinnamon ice cream at 4am and calling her friend Killian to get her some (you'll see that in the future). I have no idea where all this angst came from, maybe I rewatch too many times the show and get really emotional, who knows? Well, Emma's child will be the whole point of the story, where all the angst and fluff will come from, and if you don't like it… *Killian's sassy voice* Sorry?**

**Guest (I think the way you have set up the story is great. I do enjoy going back and forth point of views. Can't wait for the next chapter)**

**Thank you, sweetie! I'm really glad you are enjoying, I hope this chapter pleased you!**


	4. Chapter 3: Things will never be the same

**Chapter 3: Things will never be the same.**

**AN: Thank you all so much, for everyone who followed/favorited or reviewed, it really means a lot to me! Again a painful chapter, but this time the flashback is lighter, I hope you like it! Unfortunately updates will probably get slower, I'll try my best to update every week, but I can't promise anything.**

**Disclaimer: I make no claim of recognizable Once Upon a Time characters. The show belongs to ABC and its producers/show runners.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

_One year earlier_

_"I can't believe you managed to enter college, little brother," Neal said on Killian's first day of college, passing his arms around his brother's head as they walked on the campus, they were headed to the Art and Design Building where Killian's first class would be._

_He was an art major; he loved drawing since he was a child so he had no doubt while choosing his major. Plus he actually had the liberty to choose what he wanted to do, such a thing didn't apply to Neal; his father practically forced him to have a major in business and management so he could be the company's CEO one day._

_Killian and Neal had always planned that one day Neal would inherit the company while Killian would work for him, making the designs of the jewels sold by the establishment._

_"Younger brother, Neal," he said slightly annoyed. "And bugger off, will you?" He said removing Neal's hand from his shoulder and making a move to straight his collar up._

_Seeing his brother movement Neal laughed. "You are all spruce and classy," he said and played with Killian's jacket, messing with the zipper, making Killian gave him a murderous look. "Oh, poor Killian, your ass of a brother is bothering you, isn't he?"_

_"Aye, a bloody arse, that he is."_

_"Poor Killy" he teased, making fun of his brother, using his childhood nickname, which she hated. "Oh please, you know you couldn't live without me."_

_Despite the teasing tone, Killian couldn't really argue with that, his brother (alongside with his girlfriend Milah) was his whole world, he just couldn't imagine a life without him, without them. So he decided to stay quiet and focus on straightening himself up._

_"Killy, Killy, Killy, don't worry all of the girls will immediately fall for you, all those handsome charms earned from your brother will make them go mad."_

_"Very funny, you know I love Milah," he said bitterly. He and Milah were back again, they had a bit of back and forth relationship but at the end of the day they really loved each other and couldn't stay away from the other._

_Killian had spent the last year traveling around the world; he needed some time before college, he had always planned to travel the world and found that time the perfect opportunity (besides at the prospect of one year Killian free his old man quickly accepted the idea, providing him all the money he needed). But Milah wasn't all that pleased, she was from a simple family, she didn't have the money to pay for the voyage and being the stubborn woman that she was she didn't accept Gold's money and stayed at the US, but she decided to end things with Killian during that year. 'It will be good for you and for me, Killian, I can focus on college and you can enjoy your trip properly' she had said. For him that was all bullshit, he didn't stop thinking about her during the trip but he realized that he could enjoy things without her. However as soon as he was back they got back together, making it up for the lost time._

_"Whatever you say, Killian." Neal answered. "But you can't deny there's many beauties here, welcome to college life!" He said, examining a group of girls passing by, he gave Killian a pointy look and the youngest sibling just rolled his eyes. "Hey, I'm a single man, enjoy your cozy married life with Milah, I'm enjoying my free days!" Killian rolled his eyes, again._

_"Whatever, Neal, do you happen to know where the..."_

_"Look at that blonde beauty!" Neal said mesmerized. "I mean don't look, you have a girlfriend," he said and Killian snorted, but actually did what his brother said, not looking at the girl, focusing instead to look at the place ahead him, which looked to be the Art and Design Building. "Goddammit, she's gorgeous."_

_"You sound really enchanted by someone who's enjoying his free days," Killian teased, mimicking his brother's voice._

_"She's truly a vision, if I ever see her again I'll surely talk to her," he said and Killian finally looked at the girl._

_Of all scenarios he could've imagined this clearly wasn't one of them, he never thought that the girl could be Emma, and well he never thought of meeting her again, at least not in the middle of the campus on his first day of college._

_"Emma?" He asked trying to confirm his suspicions._

_Once the girl turned around, all of her blonde locks swinging, he had no doubt. It was really her._

_Emma._

_She was his childhood best friend, that girl meant the world to him when he was a child, they shared everything with each other, they understood each other, they were allies, partners, and true friends. But unfortunately fate had a strange plan for them and they parted ways when he was fifteen, never to meet again, not until now._

_The girl seemed to search where the call was coming from but after some time she saw and recognized him, her eyes widening and her jaw dropping. "Killian?" she asked uncertainly, walking towards her old friend. "Is that really you?" she said while approaching him, a small smile forming on her mouth._

"_Yes! I can't believe it's you!" he said, meeting her halfway, leaving a dazed Neal behind. Emma extended her hand for him to take but he overwhelmed her with a bear hug, practically jumping on the girl. The contact made her flinch at first, but then she returned the gesture with equal force. "It's so good to see you, again," he said, breaking the hug. _

"_Yeah, good to see you, too," she smiled, putting her hands on her back pocket. "I honestly never thought I'd see you again."_

"_Me either, I mean, I hoped I did but I never really thought I would," he scratched behind his ear and Emma laughed, he had that habit since he was a child, it was something he did when he was nervous. _

_She was really glad to meet him again, she always felt good with Killian, she always felt something, something she couldn't quite the describe, it was a warming feeling, it was familiar, safe and intimate, she liked that feeling, it was something really rare in her life so she always tried to enjoy the most when she was with him._

_Of course things weren't the same, they weren't the same, but she was glad to see him nothing less._

"_You look good, lass, it seems that my ugly duckling finally turned into a beautiful Swan."_

_She rolled her eyes at that. "You don't look that bad yourself, Killy," she said using the nickname she knew he hated and he groaned, making them both laugh, before anything else could happen Neal approached them._

"_I'm afraid it's time for your class, wouldn't want to lose the first class of college, would you?" Neal told Killian but focused his attention on the blonde girl. "And you are?" he asked trying to sound charming and pleasant. _

_Killian looked at his brother and smirked, he really didn't waste any time. "Neal, that's Emma," he introduced them. "Emma, that's my brother Neal," he said and they shook hands, looking directly at the other's eyes. _

"_Neal? It's nice to meet you, Killian used to talk a lot about you when we were younger," she said, not breaking eye contact and not letting go of his hand either._

"_Oh, did he? Am I missing something here?" Neal said confused, breaking their little moment and looking at Killian._

"_Aye," he said, and looked down, he used to tell his brother about Emma, he even invited him to meet her sometimes but he never could, he always had to study or he was out with their father so after some time Killian gave up, contenting himself only to talk about her. "Emma is the girl I used to tell you about, my lost girl," he said embarrassed, he talked highly about her for Neal, thinking closely he properly actually never mentioned her real name, he had always called her Swan or lost girl, his tender nickname for her._

"_Oh, so she's your Swan?" Neal said and both Emma and Killian blushed, but pretended that nothing happened._

"_I guess so," she said. "Killian, it was nice seeing you again and a pleasure to meet your brother but I really have to get going."_

"_Right, lass, me too," Killian said and there was an awkward pause, no one really knew what to do. "I hope I'll see you again, Swan." _

"_Sure," she nodded and turned her back, quickly waving at them._

_Neal wasn't quite pleased with the move. "Are you headed to Building D?" he asked smoothly._

"_Yes, why?"_

"_I could walk you there, my class is there anyway, and I can catch you phone… for Killian of course," he said and Killian rolled his eyes, his brother was really interested in the girl, he had never seen him like that with someone, his brother was more like a one-night stand kind of guy, hooking up with girls he met in clubs and never meeting them again, he never showed genuine interest in anyone else before, maybe this time was really different. Killian liked the idea, there was no denying Emma was a beautiful girl, and she wanted her happy, why not with his brother?_

"_Yeah, I'd like that," she said and he grinned, he waved at Killian and came by her side._

"_See you soon then, Killian," she said and walked away, quickly engaging in a conversation with Neal, a pleasant one for the matter since seconds after he was already laughing and Killian could see she was fighting a smile._

_Looking at the couple one more time, Killian disappeared, headed to the art and design building where his first class would happen._

* * *

Emma was impatient, walking from one side to another of Storybrooke Hospital's hall, she was pretty sure that if she walked some more time the ground underneath her would create a hole and swallow her, a tempting offer, she had to admit.

She was a nervous wreck, Neal's surgery seemed to never come to an end and Killian being in the other room talking with Mr. Gold didn't exactly helped.

To be honest she never really liked Mr. Gold, she had met him once or twice and he wasn't that friendly to her, he clearly didn't support her relationship with Neal, which made hard to like him, besides what Killian had always told her about the man, since they were kids made liking him almost impossible.

She just couldn't believe how a father would prefer one son to the other, even if he believed Killian was responsible for his wife's death, that didn't make it any better, and from what she had heard before leaving the place Killian probably wasn't the one to blame.

She continued to pace around the room until a nurse approached her. "Excuse me, are you waiting for news of Neal Jones?" she asked and Emma promptly nodded, longing for news. "His surgery went well, it ended a few hours ago so now he's allowed to have visits, he's on room 315 but…" she was explaining but Emma interrupted her.

"Thank you," Emma said and went running to where Killian was, she didn't even let the nurse finish, everything could wait, now she had to see Neal, and take Killian with her, she didn't care if he was in the middle of the discussion with his father, she knew him, and she knew that if she didn't call him immediately he would be upset with her and that was the last thing she wanted at that moment.

"Neal's surgery ended a couple of hours ago, we can see him now," Emma said as soon as she entered the hospital's waiting room.

She could feel the tension in the air, the pain and hurt in Killian's eyes and the same could be noticed in Gold's eyes, the difference was that Gold's eyes carried torment and indifference, while Killian's were filled with misery, agony and self-loathe, she knew that look all too well.

He didn't hesitate to follow her, as soon as her words registered in his ears he went to her side, she tried to look at him to see what was going on but he was avoiding to look at her, so she led the way to the room, it wasn't the best time for a conversation, he probably wanted to see his brother even more than she did.

She saw Gold following them too, but she didn't pay much attention on the man.

"What did the nurse tell you?" She heard Killian whisper in her ear, breaking the tension that was on the air.

"She only said that we can visit him now," she wasn't looking at him but she could feel him nodding quietly, considering her answer.

Soon they arrived at the room, and Emma took a long breath before reaching for the door knob, she quickly looked behind, Gold was looking at her eagerly, waiting for her to open the door but Killian was frozen in his place, his eyes and expression were unreadable but she knew he was suffering, she wanted to comfort him, or at least offer her support, show him that she was there for him, but before she could do anything Gold interrupted her.

Gold pushed Killian aside and stepped in front of Emma, finally opening the room's door.

Nothing could ever prepare any of the three people standing in the door for the sigh ahead them. Neal was lying on the hospital bed, his eyes closed, there was huge breathing equipment attached to his nose, lots of colorful wires coming out from his chest and a big bandage covering his forehead and part of his hair. There was a doctor in the room, taking notes on his clipboard.

"I'm Dr. Clark," the man introduced himself but no one answered him.

"Neal, my boy!" Mr. Gold whispered brokenly, coming to one side of the bed to properly look at his beloved son. "Oh, my darling son," he murmured, caressing his cheeks, murmuring some other lines just like that one.

Meanwhile, Killian was still frozen, he seemed to recognize Neal's state because as soon as the door was open and he could see his brother his jaw dropped, his mouth opened and closed, but no sound or word came, on the other hand, tears were falling from his eyes, quiet, painful tears.

Emma was crying too, she couldn't believe the sight ahead of her, it had to be some trick, he had to be okay, maybe that was only temporarily, Neal was probably only sleeping, recovering from the surgery, he would wake up in a few moments.

"What… What happened to him, Dr. Clark?" she managed to ask, wiping away her tears.

"During the car accident he suffered a traumatic brain injury, he hit his head at the car's metal upper structures that lead to a TBI and…" the doctor kept talking about Neal's situation but no one was really listening, at least Emma wasn't, she stopped hearing the doctor's speech at traumatic brain injury, she couldn't focus on anything besides Neal. It was everything so surreal, she couldn't believe that just mere days ago he was teasing her, caressing her, kissing her, _being_ with her and now he was on a hospital, fighting for his life.

"He is a lucky one, he's only on coma, many people don't survive things like that," he finished and Emma wanted to laugh, _lucky?_ He was in freaking coma, lying almost lifeless on a hospital bed and he was calling him lucky.

Gold shared the same thoughts as Emma, whereas Killian was still crying silently, close to the door, but not quite in the room. "Lucky? My son is dying and you say he's lucky?" Gold said angrily. "I want him out of this stupid town, right now, I want to transfer him to a private hospital, in New York," he said to the doctor who nodded, understanding the situation.

"Of course, Mr. Jones, you can take care of that with one of the hospital's secretaries," he answered calmly. "I'll accompany you."

Gold nodded and took Neal's hand on his, planting a kiss on it. "Don't worry, my boy, papa will take care of you, I'll be back soon," he said and left the room. Once he saw Killian crying in the hall he snorted and looked disgusted at his other son. "Try not to destroy him, like everything you touch, not more than you already did at least," he told Killian, bumping into his shoulder with his body before leaving with the doctor.

Hearing his father's words broke Killian completely. "Brother," he whispered. "What have I done to you?" he said brokenly, passing through Emma and almost falling on Neal's bed. "I'm sorry, Neal, I'm so sorry," he said, taking his hand on his, interlacing their fingers together, and supporting his head on it.

Emma's heart broke at that sight, not only her boyfriend was in coma but her best friend, her boyfriend's brother nothing less was blaming himself on something he had no guilt over.

She felt like all of that was a big, dull joke. She refused to believe it. She didn't want that crap, she wanted her boyfriend back, she wanted her boyfriend and his brother laughing and teasing like children while she just rolled her eyes with Milah, gods Milah, she was going to miss the girl. Emma still hadn't registered everything that had happened in the past day and now she just refused to believe it.

"It's not your fault," she whispered to Killian, it really wasn't, it was fate's, destiny's or whatever that crap was named. Crap. That began to describe the situation. "He'll wake up," she reassured him, she wasn't sure of her words, she wasn't even sure if he would wake up someday, but she had to stay positive, at least for Killian, he deserved that, besides maybe if she made him believe in her words, if she believe in her words, it would actually come true.

Killian looked at Emma, hope finally rising in his eyes. "He's gonna wake up," he repeated her words, almost unsure of them, testing them. "Even if it takes some time, he'll wake up, right?" he asked her, his voice still crippled from crying but clearer and more positive.

"Yes, he will," she said brokenly, smiling, a genuine one, a smile in between the cries, a gesture that held faith, a light among the darkness, an expression that symbolized what they most needed on that moment: hope.

* * *

**AN: I realized I wasn't putting when the flashback happened and that kind of made a bit confusing so I already corrected on the other chapters and this one has it too. This chapter was a painful one for me to write. And I know Gold is a super asshole but that's kind of my Rumbelle heart getting revenge on him because of the dagger thing, anyway I hope you like it; if possible tell me your thoughts about it, I love seeing what you have to say. Till next time ;)**


	5. Chapter 4: Behind blue eyes

**Chapter 4: Behind blue eyes.**

**AN: Thank you all for sticking with this story, for reading, following/favoriting/reviewing, it makes me extremely happy! Fortunately this chapter didn't take it so long, but it might be the last update in a while. I hope you enjoy it!**

**[**TRIGGER WARNING, CHAPTER SPOILERS: This chapter deals with suicide**]**

**Disclaimer: I make no claim of recognizable Once Upon a Time characters. The show belongs to ABC and its producers/show runners.**

* * *

He preferred when it didn't hurt.

Killian liked better when he was feeling numb, when he wasn't feeling at all, that was everything he could wish at that moment, but now everything was different, he was feeling so many things at the same time: dazed, empty, it felt like there was a hole in his heart, he felt a constant ache in his chest reminding him of everything that happened in his life the past days.

He was leaving Storybrooke. Killian had a break down seeing his brother on coma, all because of him, not directly, but still his fault, he couldn't remember crying more than he did when he finally registered his brother's state, yet he was trying to hold onto hope, his father quickly worked on getting Neal transferred to New York's best hospital, Killian bet that the paperwork was already done, he would soon be in New York, so after some precious time at Neal's side, Emma told him it was better to head back to the beach house on Portland, to gather their things and then go back to the Big Apple, after all Neal would be there soon too.

Killian agreed with her, and that's how he found himself going to Portland, Emma driving, he wasn't in condition to drive, he could see that she was in pain too, so when she offered to drive he didn't hesitate to let her.

They were half way through the trip, they weren't talking, he needed time, time to think, or not think, he was trying his best to avoid certain thoughts, and focus on the good ones.

The only problem was that he was having a very hard time focusing on positive things when he barely had good things to focus. His girlfriend was dead, her funeral would happen on the following day (In the car he finally had the courage to call Milah's parents, who were already informed of the situation, strangely enough they didn't blame Killian, but weren't exactly friendly, only telling him when and where the burial would happen). His brother was fighting for his life, on coma, and when he tried to focus that he would wake up, he thought of the sequels he could have, or how much time it would take for him to wake up, turning his happy thoughts in sad ones.

Aside of that he was still trying to assimilate all of the information his father had told him about his mother, _and _the fact that he would be homeless in a few hours.

As much as he hated to admit Killian was always completely dependent of his father, it never really occurred to him the idea of earning his own money, having a real job. He lived on a penthouse with Neal on New York, his car was a top brand new one, his bank account was always full of money, and consequentially he never really had to worry about those things. If his father didn't give him affection and love, he surely gave him money, not that it made any better, or compensate anything, but at least he didn't have to worry about money, it was natural for him not to, not until now.

The reality suddenly hit him; he was without the two people he loved most in the world, without his home, without everything. Maybe not everything, he still had Emma, but he didn't want her to worry about his problems. Killian knew she was a friend and she would always be there for him, at least emotionally so, the girl wasn't really stable financially, being a foster kid she fought really hard to get a scholarship on college and a small flat nearby, but she was the only one he trusted enough to share those kind of problems with. Of course he had friends, most of them were even richer than he was, but he wasn't that intimate with any of them. The only person he really trusted was Emma, but he didn't want to be a burden to her.

"Spill," Emma said.

_Fuck_, he cursed in his mind, how could that girl read him so well? Even when she was driving, she really knew him.

"Nothing to spill," he said, trying to hide himself in his walls, which were higher than ever.

She gave him a quick peek, and raised one of her eyebrows. "Really?"

"Aye," he confirmed, not looking at her, focusing his attention on the window.

"Okay," she said simply and he breathed relived, that was one of the things he liked about Emma. She actually understood him, always, she could read him like a book, and when he needed space she gave him.

After that, they fell into a comfortable silence; the road was empty so they arrived quickly at the beach house.

Killian was so focused on his thoughts that he didn't even realize when they arrived. "Earth to Killian," Emma said, she was already outside of the car, her door was open as she talked to him, waiting for him to get out of the car.

He nodded at the girl and got out of the car, refusing to look at her, or to take the car keys that she was handing him.

"Killian!" she said, running after him. When did he start to run? He didn't have the answer, it was his first reaction, to run, to try to escape all the mess that he was feeling, but of course he couldn't, he couldn't run from himself, escape his own demons. "Killian! Hey!"

"Yes?" he answered, rather rudely.

Emma opened her mouth to say something but regretted, saying another thing instead. "Where are you going?"

He had no idea, he was lost, he lost the entire space notion he had. "I… I was just going to enter the house."

"Maybe you should try actually going in the direction of the door," Emma said and he realized he was walking towards the beach, located in front of the house, and not towards the door.

"I'm sorry, love, I… I–" he began but Emma cut him off.

"I know," she said sympathetically, staring at his eyes, her green orbs carried pain and hurt, but at the same time it carried belief and a certain glow, some kind of light, something on her eyes always captured him, it was like a light, a flash of light among darkness.

The intensity of their gazes connected became too much and Killian had to look away, admiring the beautiful ocean instead. From where he was standing he had a beautiful vision of the ocean: the sun was almost setting, making the sky a mix of orange, purple and blue. It was a breathtaking sight; if he wasn't in a so dark mood he would be mesmerized.

Looking at the sun setting over the ocean, made him remember of his mother, the angel that he knew so little about yet he loved so much. Killian had always felt a strong connection to the sea, hence him being the owner of _The Jolly Roger_, the Jones' family boat, but he never knew that the same thing that he loved, his own ship, had been the scenario of his mother's death. Killian didn't know how he felt about that, he loved the sea and that boat so much, it was on his blood. And at the same time that looking at the ocean reminded him of too many painful memories it also brought him comfort.

Killian decided that he needed some time to think, to be alone with his own thoughts, his own demons. "Swan, I'm going for a walk," he said and didn't wait for her answer, immediately walking towards the beach.

"I don't think that's a good idea," she said, running at his side.

Killian just shrugged and Emma touched his shoulder, making him look at her. Killian waited for her to say something but no words came from her mouth, instead her eyes seemed to speak to him, her eyes pleaded him to stay, to be careful; her eyes shone with worry for him.

He took a big breath and sighed. It was comforting to see that someone still cared, it was good to have someone there for him, but despite all that, despite him wanting to stay, to talk to her, he wasn't in a good condition, he needed some time alone to absorb all the information and think in his future and then, maybe, he would be able to talk to her.

"I need some time alone, Emma," he said, her name coming out from his mouth like a prayer.

Emma wanted to argue with him, to convince him to stay but one pointy look from him was all it took for her to give up. He needed space so she gave him. "Fine," she said, and he could see that she wasn't pleased. "Take care of yourself, alright?"

He nodded as an answer and disappeared.

* * *

Killian felt like he walked for hours and he only realized he was walking on the beach when he felt the familiar cold water touch his foot. It was strange how the thing that brought him pain also brought him comfort.

He stopped and just looked at the ocean; it was already dark, only the moon's light illuminating the place, the view was stunning, so he allowed himself to get lost in the scenario.

Lost.

That was exactly what he was feeling; lost, in the edge of a break down. It was incredible how one day could change a life forever, how so many things could change at so little time.

Getting closer of the water, letting the cold sensation fill him, Killian started to scream, trying to let all of the bad feelings he had inside out.

Soon he started to hit the water, which was covering him till the hips. Killian had to admit that he was feeling better, as good as he could feel in that situation. Before he knew he was crying or laughing he wasn't sure, he only knew that whatever he was doing seemed to work, it seemed to wipe the pain away for some time, and that was all he could ask for.

Killian was feeling so carefree, secure, _good,_ that he just kept walking further and further in the water, before he knew he was almost completely covered with the ocean water. Killian knew he should go back to shore, that he could drown, but he couldn't care less. He was finally letting go of the pain, he was physically feeling what he was emotionally feeling: like he was drowning, the world swallowing him.

A strong force brought him out of his bliss.

"Killian!" someone screamed, carrying him closer to the shore. "Killian, wake up!" the voice screamed, more tormented this time. "Please wake up, I can't lose the only thing I have left," the voice pleaded and it felt like the first time he registered the words and the person speaking. He started to cough and the person sighed relived.

Soon they were on the beach's sand, still close to the water; Killian opened his eyes to find Emma closely looking at him, one of her hands in her head and the other in his chin, her expression was soft and full of worry, a small relieved small on her face, all of that didn't last long, soon her mouth closed in a thin line, she was frowning and her eyes didn't carry any softness, they didn't carry anything at all. Emma removed her hands from him and sat near of where he was laying.

"You crazy son of a bitch, you almost killed me with worry!" she screamed.

"With all due respect, love, I think I'm the one who almost got killed," he answered, not daring to look at her.

"Got killed?" she said and laughed. "You tried to kill yourself!" she accused and realized the truthiness on her statement. "You tried to kill yourself! How… Why…?" she mumbled, trying to find words.

Killian got half up and sat at her side. "I didn't, Swan, I didn't," he said, also struggling to find words, mostly due to the coughing, his lungs were still recovering.

Had he tried to kill himself?

No, he didn't. Killian was only trying to feel better, he was on the water, and he wasn't trying to end his life, he really wasn't, he was just trying to stop the pain, luckily Emma had found him before it was too late, she had saved him, honestly he probably wouldn't have realized he was drowning before it was too late, but he didn't have the intention to end his life, he only wanted to stop the pain.

"How could you do this to me? How could you be that selfish?" she said, angrily, tears gathering at her eyes.

Once Killian stopped coughing and looked at her eyes, everything was clear, he wasn't that selfish (or maybe he was, because having him around was probably a curse). He could never leave her.

"Swan, hear me out, I didn't mean to, I thought I found a way to ease the pain, to stop all of this."

"You didn't mean to? I was so worried, I could have helped you, I know you're hurting I tried to make you say, to trust me, but I didn't want to push you," she lamented and he gave her the smallest of smiles, one that didn't reach his eyes, it wasn't a genuine one, and it didn't hold true meaning.

"Why can you just believe me?" he said angrily. "I didn't want to do that, I'm sorry, Swan, you have to understand that I wasn't going to leave you, and it's just so hard! I don't know what to do; I don't know how to make the pain stop! So when I started to drown I finally felt normal again, the pain ceased and I just couldn't stop, I'm sorry," he lamented.

Emma looked down, and sighed. "Okay," she whispered brokenly. "It's all right, just promise you won't do something like this ever again."

"I promise," he said and she smiled.

"Look, I'm not really the best person to give you this advice, but I know that keeping things, shutting people out, hiding behind your walls won't do any good, maybe talking to someone could help," she offered him, making very clear that she could be that someone.

Killian considered it. It would be good to say things out loud, to share his problems with someone, but he wasn't ready for that, besides he wasn't even sure what to tell her. "Thank you, but I… I…"

"You're not ready," she finished for him. "That's fine, now let's go home," she got up and extended her hand to help him to get up.

Killian didn't take her hand; he looked down instead, playing with his own hands. "Home," he said wishfully.

He wasn't ready to tell her about his feelings about Milah, Neal and his mother but he needed to share that he was now a homeless man.

"I don't have a home," he said simply and Emma frowned, kneeling at his side. "My father," he explained. "He asked for all of my keys, from the apartment, the car, all of them."

Emma's jaw dropped. "How could he have done that? You're his son too."

"No, not anymore," he said and Emma tilted her head to the side, not quite believing but realizing that he didn't want to talk about that.

"Well, I have a small flat, if you'd like to stay there… until you figure things out, I know it's not big and it's far from what you are used to, but–" Emma was saying, a bit ashamed when Killian cut her off.

"Thank you, Emma, that would be perfect," he said honestly. "I just… I don't you to do this because you pity me; I don't want to be a burden."

She laughed brightly. "You would never be a burden, smartass, now c'mon, let's go home."

* * *

**AN: This chapter doesn't have flashbacks, I kind of missed writing them, but I liked the way this chapter turned out, obviously this won't be the end of them but it won't have one in every chapter, anyway, I really hope you enjoyed, until next time :)**

**Ps: Review?**


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